Today's news...

Foreign students in Voronezh live in fear of their lives, according to the BBC.
This 19th Century book highlights the dangers of self pleasure.
And this mail is apparently going around NY at the moment.


1st is a girl's apology email for cheating on some bloke.
2nd is his reply which was Bcc'd to his entire address book. Its funny as. What a bitch!


Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I
would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or
anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us
had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you
being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly
words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking
that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just
went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny
yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I
can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you
meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know
that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I
can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to
say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and
you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate
feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I
am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what
happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just
about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there
with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in
the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel
like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was
not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really
don't think I can handle that.


I am so sorry.


Elizabeth



RESPONSE:


Dear Elizabeth,


Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k
him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if
the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves
around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm
sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider
someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is
that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think
you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about
as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong
but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend
the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New
jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30
minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth
putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about
being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who
finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have
a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad